What Are the Real Keys to Happiness?
Many women say that all they want is to be happy!
Have you noticed that some people are positive and upbeat no matter what is going on in their lives? These people have learned to be happy, and you can, too. Read these suggestions from Dr. Nancy.
What would it take to make you happy? “If I only had a million dollars I would happy.” “If I had her/his good looks I would be happy.” “If I found the love of my life, my soul mate, I would be sooooooooooo happy.”
Surprise! It’s not money, good looks, success or even love in our lives that makes us happy. Many people who have all these things and should have high levels of happiness reported feeling glum and bored. So why don’t these things bring happiness to their obviously wonderful lives?
Things don’t make us happy, because people quickly adapt to change. We get used to the new things in our lives, which soon become everyday and predictable. Research also suggests that each of us has a “set point” for happiness, a level of contentment that stays about the same even when external circumstances in our lives change.
How Do I Learn to Be Happy?
Positive Psychology, a recently developing field, is designed to teach people to increase their levels of happiness. The founder of the Positive Psychology Center is Martin P. Seligman, PhD. I first encountered Dr. Seligman when earning my doctorate. He is the psychologist who gave us the term “learned helplessness,” a concept so central to my research with women. Seligman has concluded that if we can learn to be helpless, we can also learn to be happy.
Seligman suggests that we learn to be miserable or happy internally, not through material or external rewards, but by building good character. The rewards are not extrinsic but intrinsic, stemming from inner satisfaction rather than satisfaction from the outer world. Seligman’s school has identified 24 character strengths that we can develop to guide us to happiness in our lives. Their study of over 5,000 men and women revealed four core traits that were most important. They called these “heart strengths”: gratitude, hope, zest and the ability to love and be loved. Put simply: “Relationships with other people are what makes us the happiest.”
We can learn to incorporate these character traits, thoughts and behaviors into our lives. Gratitude can be expressed and shown in words and acts toward others. I have learned in my psychology practice that hope is an attitude that becomes a behavior that, when shared, becomes a contagious emotion. For some people, learning to be loved is a difficult task, especially if they have grown up in a cold, rejecting family. These people may have to learn to love themselves before they can allow themselves to be loved and cherished. Feeling the ZING of high energy for living is also learned. Some people are so excited about their lives that we can feel the bliss and happiness they have created and incorporated into their lives.
How Do I Visualize Happiness?
I know that control is also a key for learning to have these wonderful happiness characteristics. If you think you can, you have a much better chance of achieving the results you desire.
Here is a simple exercise I recommend you do several times each day. Sit in a comfortable chair and listen to soft music, or go outside to sit in nature. Stop…think…feel a time when you were the happiest and wished it would never end. You might have been an adult or a child; perhaps you remember a place you visited or a person who made you smile all over. Visualize this and smile to yourself. You can give yourself permission to be who you are. Will you give yourself permission to be happy … or to be miserable? You know it takes many more muscles in your face to frown than to smile, so it’s actually easier to smile!
How Do I Find My Path?
Seligman said there are three roads to happiness and that most happy people travel all three paths.
- The “pleasant life” path involves finding activities and things that give you pleasure. You enjoy lots of fun, good times and play.
- The “engaged life” path allows you to lose yourself in some passion or activity. You look up and the time has flown. That is joy.
- The “meaningful life” path requires having a purpose in your life. Giving of yourself as a volunteer provides a reason to get up each day. You’re doing more than just taking up space and oxygen.
I tell my clients, “You can take charge of being happy.” You, too, can learn and exercise your abilities to become a happy person. Use these affirmations to get started or create your own.
- I am a happy person.
- I am grateful for the many blessings I have been given.
- I will love and receive love from others.
To get happy, you need to practice, practice, practice.
~By Dr. Nancy D. O’Reilly, Psy.D.
