So many women have asked me, “Why are women so mean to other women?” Of all the challenges they face in the workplace, this seems to cause them the most angst. Whether it’s called bullying, bitchiness, relational or indirect aggression or some other term, this behavior can make you dread going to work.
Have you ever had a bullying experience like this?
- Sue ignores you, conceals information needed for your job, pretends not to see you and refuses to speak even when you address her directly. You look in a mirror to make sure you haven’t become invisible.
- Willa gives you little gifts and is so sweet to you. She claims you are her very best friend and tells you “secrets.” Then she accuses you of turning on her and telling another co-worker what she has told only you. This escalates into office drama where everyone takes sides.
- Jenna is supposed to be your administrative assistant but she always has an excuse that keeps her from doing anything you ask, and these excuses often cast doubt on your competence.
Does any of this sound familiar? You have my sympathies. Most women don’t behave this way. Probably because women are among some of our closest friends, we are shocked and alarmed when we encounter these situations. Women are good at masking their behavior, so you may not think of this as bullying, but that’s what it is.
My team and I are going to share some of what we’ve learned about this troubling issue in our next several posts. Maybe you have a friend to share these with. Let’s help each other develop strategies for dealing with this annoying behavior.
The good news is: you have within you everything you need to handle mean women in the workplace. (More about this in later posts.)
But, here’s the bad news: you are probably going to have to handle this by yourself. Studies show only the luckiest employee will get help from management. Unfortunately, trying to force an unsupportive boss to act may actually cost you your job.
Employers Rarely Stop Mean Woman Bullies
Look what we learned about how employers respond to complaints of bullying:
- Workplace bullying affects more than 1/3 of employees, according to a 2010 online poll by the Workplace Bullying Institute (WBI), a Washington state think tank.
- Working women know from experience that 40% of those bullies are women, and that they overwhelmingly target other women with their abuse!
- Early results from an online WBI survey revealed 87% of employers reacted by denying, defending, discounting or rationalizing the abuse.
The WBI’s current poll asks, “How did your employer react to complaints of abusive conduct? This chart shows the results breakdown on 2/21/14.
“How did your employer react to reports of abusive conduct?
Take the poll yourself to see updated results.
Women – we clearly are on our own here! It’s time to get smart.
Why You Need to Do Something about Bullying
Are you thinking you can just put your head down and suffer through it? Maybe you think she will miraculously see the light and stop being so awful to you. After all, you are both working for the same company and have the same goals, right?
Sadly, in many cases this doesn’t seem to apply. Women have many reasons for being bitchy (see Why Are Women So Mean to Other Women?) Women also have learned a vast arsenal of indirect aggression tools they use to make your life miserable. They really haven’t changed much since high school but they have refined their skills.
They all mess with your peace of mind, make you doubt yourself, gnash your teeth and lose sleep. They may even make you cry. They definitely draw energy and attention away from your real job. Can you spell S-T-R-E-S-S? See if you have any of these symptoms:
- Feel shame, guilt, numbness, sadness, fear, anger or depression
- Dread going to work; can’t concentrate
- Doubt yourself and second-guess every move
- Fret so much it messes up your stomach
- Complain to family and friends who are sick of hearing about it
- Exhibit symptoms of extreme stress
- Increased blood pressure
- Waking in the night to worry
“Bullying has tremendous health harms,” says Dr. Gary Namie, WBI founder. “There’s cardiovascular issues, ulcers, and colitis. Now we know that stress also changes the brain, affecting memory and ability to concentrate.” Being called stupid will actually make you appear less competent to co-workers.
Obviously you can’t afford to let this go. It could ruin your health, damage other relationships and maybe even destroy your career. Don’t let it happen!
Do seek support from friends and family and share with them your plan for managing this situation rather than just complaining (again!) about the bully. Read blogs and self-help books – everything you can to help you gain confidence. One caution though: avoid recruiting co-workers to gang up on the bully. You’ve got to take the high road and maintain your professionalism.
Change the Way You Respond to Bullying
In strategizing ways to handle this situation remember you can’t make another woman do or think or say or feel anything. But you can change yourself in an instant. You can transform your relationships by changing the way you respond.
It’s like birds pulling on two ends of a piece of string. If you drop your end, the game is over. Maybe the other bird keeps dragging the string around, but you don’t care. You’re in the other room talking with the boss about your next challenging assignment!
Watch for our next post about woman-on-woman bitchiness and ways you can deal with people like Sue, Willa and Jenna.
~Dr. Nancy
Have you encountered a book or website that helped you deal with mean behavior by other women? Please let us know in the comments below. We will check it out and post a link for other women to benefit.
Read the Whole Mean Women Series:
- Why Are Women So Mean To Other Women?
- Manage Your Expectations To Stop Bullying
- Manage Your Boundaries | Learn to Stop Bullying
- Stop Bullying and Advance Career by Building Professional Skills
- Correct Your Own Sexist Attitudes
- How to Deal with Indirect Aggression from Other Women
- Should You File a Formal Complaint About Abusive Behavior?