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The Sandwich Generation

TWO PIECES OF BREAD WITH MEAT, CHEESE ETC. OR TO BE PLACED BETWEEN:
The Sandwich Generation According to Webster
By Dr. Nancy D. O’Reilly, Psy.D.

Despite trauma, find joy in little things“Two pieces of bread with meat, cheese, etc.; or to be placed between” pretty well sums it up for Baby Boomers who find themselves caring for two generations. They may still be parenting adult or younger children (including second families, late-life children, adopted or inherited children) and also caring increasingly for their aging parents.
To make it even harder, Boomers see this time of their lives as their opportunity to finally fly as free, independent entities. You are ready to grasp your passion, or start a second career, say glass blowing large butterflies! You are about to take wing, or pick up your trusty glass blower and Brrrrrring, it’s your parent’s neighbor saying your father is roaming the neighborhood and is not sure where he lives or what day it is.
This moment of clarity takes you to another level of understanding life as it really is. Just about the time you think you have your ducks in a row, the wind blows or horns sound and they all fly away. Suddenly, it’s time to re-evaluate your Master Plan. What will your next move be?

How to Survive the Boomer Generation

I have talked with many friends and clients who are now caring in some way for aging parents, adult children, and even young grandchildren on nearly a day-to-day basis. That is a plate full, and YOU are the meat and cheese in this sandwich. Here are some ideas to help keep your ducks from pooping on your glass butterflies or shiny airplane wings.

  1. Know that you are not alone.
    A baby boomer turns 50 every 8 seconds; every day more than 6,000 Americans turn 60; most of them have a parent or two. There are vast numbers in these age groups.
  2. Call a family conference.
    Get all siblings and other family members on the same page about caring for aging parents. I hear so often “My brothers or sisters are so far away,” or “I am so far away, what can I do?” My answer is to communicate! What is each person willing and unwilling to do to assist with the care of your parents? Their answers will typically fall into these categories and you will know who you can count on:

    1. “Thanks, but I do not have the time; I sure wish you all the best.”
    2. “Sure, I’ll help,” but they do not follow through.
    3. “Tell me how I can help,” and they do what they say.
  3. Maintain your own health.
    Your psychological, physical, and emotional health are keys to caring for parents successfully. It will do no one any good if the caretaker falls to the ground with exhaustion or mental overload. Do not fall on your sword.
  4. Call a team huddle.
    Talk with your partner (if you have one) to find out what his or her position is on how to care for both your parents. Whether you have a significant other, life partner, spouse, live-in or another types of family arrangement, talk now before a parent is in crisis. Get your plan in place.
  5. Survey the territory.
    Find out what agencies in your community can help with home health care, adult day care and other senior services. These may offer support and understanding as your parents need more help with their activities of daily living.
  6. Go to the source.
    Communicate as early as possible with your aging parents to find out how and what they need. Keep the lines of communication open with them, and get their permission, if at all possible, to establish connections with other service providers such as their money managers, attorneys, health care providers and even neighbors who live nearby. Deep down, your parents know they will need help some day. Make friends with them and all of these contacts can be extra sets of eyes and ears to help them and you.
  7. Know when to step in.
    Lastly, and most importantly, you must determine when it is time to assist, and when to step back. They may only need information and a little help. Independence for them is key and they want to feel confident that you see them as capable, competent human beings. Most people won’t appreciate help at any age unless they are in distress or really need assistance. It’s time to give a helping hand when there is a risk to them or to others without outside help.
  8. Ease into it.
    Unless there is a disastrous crisis, you can probably provide the assistance gradually. For example, you might start with brief assistance to get everyone used to the idea and establish relationships with the provider. You can later increase services as their needs arise, for example, as health deteriorates or they stop driving.

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Some advance planning now can limit the frustration and add to rewards of caring for parents. We Baby Boomers are smart and resourceful, and we will make sure our parents have the services they need to be cared for in a fashion full of flair and fun and in just the way they want to be treated: fairly, with respect and with understanding.
We wish all fellow Boomers the best possible experience as filling inside the sandwich! It is part of life and if we can help you, let us know. Have a great life; you deserve it.

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