Imagine standing in the bank and being told that you can’t open a checking account or buy a car on your own because you are a woman. What if you needed a male co-signer to get a credit card or to finance a house, regardless of your purchasing power? Sound crazy? It’s true and many women reading this have experienced it firsthand. It wasn’t until 1974, when the Equal Credit Opportunity Act was passed that discrimination by both sex and race in banking was outlawed and women in the US finally had the right to open her own bank or credit account.
Thankfully today banking access is nearly universal, but women continue to have a complex relationship with money. For many of us, our feelings were handed down to us rather than developed from our own experiences, and they directly impact our choices. How was your mother’s relationship with money? What about her mother’s? Did they manage their own finances or defer to the men in the family, at the bank, or at Sunday dinner? This behavior became a pattern for generations of women and formed a foundation for our beliefs. Like any bad habit that doesn’t help us thrive, it’s time to break it, get comfortable and manage our own money. In fact, many women are leading the way.
Women’s economic power is exploding. A previous post revealed that women control about a third – or $10 trillion – of total US household assets, which is expected to triple over the next ten years. We’ve topped 85% of daily spending choices, and today, we’re also starting more businesses than our male counterparts. All this means that we’re building personal wealth, climbing the career ladder, and matching or exceeding husbands’ income in 45 percent of heterosexual marriages.
So why aren’t we running the world? First, we need to unravel our self-defeating behaviors, and put an end to them for good. Dr. Nancy says that takes confidence and role models to show women and girls a different way. “We need to embrace our power and stop apologizing for being who we are. Women get the job done if they can get out of their own way.”
Once we embrace our power, we can more effectively advocate for ourselves and others. Men are raised to be competitive, confident, and ask for what they want, which makes them fearless negotiators. Dr. Nancy says, “They apply for the job whether they have the education and job skills or not—and often get it. On day one, they ask for the next pay raise and job promotion. In contrast, women have to get a doctorate before they think they’re qualified, and don’t negotiate for fear of a reduction in their likability scores—that they’ll be seen as too aggressive and boastful. What makes the difference? Asking for what you want! This is a game changer for us all.”
The Power of the Ask
Until we get comfortable asking for what we want, we will sit and watch our male counterparts get the jobs, raises and promotions we were hoping for wanted simply because they weren’t afraid to ask for them. Asking for what you want and need in a respectful and confident manner is a valuable communication skill. We need to get comfortable with the ask.
There is certainly power in the ask. Jack Canfield writes that his first mentor, W. Clement Stone, would repeatedly remind him, “If there’s something to gain by asking and nothing to lose by asking by all means ask.” He has gone on to write and teach thousands how to ask for what they want.
Dr. Nancy agrees and points out that asking is what makes most people uncomfortable, especially when it comes to money. Why? Fear of rejection, “There are three things you may hear asking for money, no, yes, and maybe. It may take some practice, but we can get comfortable with the process.”
There are three things you may hear asking for money, no, yes, and maybe. It may take some practice, but we can get comfortable with the process.
-Dr. Nancy O’Reilly
“Building a relationship between asking and giving, and another with one another is powerful,” Dr. Nancy added. “When we do, there is magic in how we support each other and how we accomplish our goals together. That’s what makes the difference. Building a network of resources makes sense. It is cost effective and creates long term changes for good.”
Negotiations, Raises and Promotions
Women can and should negotiate their salary, and ask for raises and promotions. Especially when you consider a recent survey by Fidelity that found 84% of women are confident that they can succeed in their job, but only half of respondents said they feel equally confident when it comes to negotiating pay or asking for a promotion.
Lorna Kapusta, head of women investors and customer engagement at Fidelity, was quoted in Employee Benefits News as saying that number should be 100%. “It goes back to the systemic barrier that has always existed between women and money. Despite companies’ DEI efforts and women’s growing presence in the workplace, it’s proved challenging to break down historic financial norms,” she said.
“When we’re young girls we are often taught to say thank you and be good — and ‘being good’ does not include asking for things,” Kapusta added. Moving beyond the cultural norms and historical context, she also pointed out that when women do muster up the courage to ask, they approach the topic too passively.
Changing the World for Good
Asking for donations isn’t much easier. But it’s our social profits that can change the world for good and they need our help. Currently, there are 50,000 organizations in the U.S. dedicated to women and girls, yet they receive only a sliver—1.9% of charitable giving. They too often don’t know how to ask. GiveSmart.com suggests that before asking for donations, you need to build a strong relationship with your donors. Givelify.com also recommends that you be specific and personal. “Personalize the need rather than speaking in general terms. Be specific about what their donation will go toward. Show them ways they can relate to the person or cause that is receiving the funds. If they feel a connection, they will be more likely to give a larger amount.” In other words, ask for what you want.
Does it still feel daunting? One way to get comfortable being uncomfortable is to develop your “ask” muscle. Noah Kagan writes, “Embracing risk, fear, and rejection gives you the power to transform your life. The illusion of eventual pain you associate with taking that risk – what if you’re judged or look foolish or it doesn’t work – is a straightjacket on your potential.”
It’s important to remember to feel confident, be genuine, express your wants and needs clearly, and not beat around the bush. Coaching and mentorship can help. Dr. Nancy says, “Understanding the importance of money, and the fact that it is a vehicle to get what you want is important. Women need to get over being uncomfortable. Asking for what you want is a good skill to acquire.” Once women learn how, and start to be successful, it can be habit forming.
Ultimately, as women step more confidently into their economic power, we pave the way, not only for individual and organizational success, but also for a collective impact that can reshape our culture. Together we can build a future where women get so comfortable, they lead the way. The power to ask is much more than a personal goal, it is an incredible tool and has the power to change our world for the better.