[WomenSpeak has long focused on empowering women, and freeing women from abuse is close to Dr. Nancy’s heart. Please read and take seriously the lessons in this heart wrenching article. Your caring and involvement could be the magic touch needed to help another woman move from trauma to triumph.]
by Kathryn Wiechert
July, 2010 for WomenSpeak
I recently became acquainted with the term domestic violence and suicide survivor, a horrific emotional trauma no mother should ever have to endure. It’s said that time heals all wounds. This may be true in love, but this is a unique monster.
Tiffany was born February 24, 1985, with eyes and a smile that would light up a room and intoxicate you, a young women who was full of joy and exuberance. On March 30, 2010 at 6:15 p.m., she committed suicide when she could no longer take the abuse.
How Can We Stop Domestic Violence?
I ask myself and try to understand at what stage this horrific injustice could have been stopped. How could we have helped her? How could we have saved her?
She was on the honor roll, played the piano and softball. She joined the Army National Guard in 2008, graduated as a Specialist Combat Medic in the top of her class. She then attended Ozark Technical Community College full-time, to become an Occupational Therapist, worked part-time and cared for three children, ages 7, 6, & 4.
In seven years of marriage she kept a lot of suffering to herself. Relationships almost never start out abusive, the love and intimacy precede the abuse, which can make it difficult to break away. Abusers effectively weave together intimacy and abuse to control their partners. When we did hear of something happening, it wasn’t until many months after and then she would follow it with, “We are doing well.” The abuser’s tactics are devised and carried out precisely to control her.
| Being away from him in the military helped her realize the relationship was bad. She filed for divorce in November 2009 and moved into an apartment in December. We did not realize the severity of the episodes of abuse that continued, leading up to her death. The reality for women victimized by domestic violence is that the risk of danger is greater when they leave their abusive relationships.
I spoke with Tiffany earlier that day, she was running errands and I was to stop by around 6:00 or 6:30 pm. When I pulled up to her apartment complex I met the police and fire department surrounding the apartment, crime scene tape larger than life around the front. My world went to slow motion and I was watching frame by frame. No one spoke to me, but I knew in my heart that it was her. I hit the ground when the officers told me she had died at 6:15. I was in shock; this could not be true; she could not have taken her own life. Although he did not pull the trigger, I believe he drove her to it. Because their divorce was not final, he has custody of my three grandchildren and is receiving all of her military benefits. On the outside, we know domestic violence is there, but we do not want to talk about it. Families need to understand the red flags when they see them. For example, in Tiffany’s seven years of marriage, she asked us to pack her and her children up and move them out at least 15 times. But all it took was one phone call from him, with his apology and gifts, and she would go right back. We wondered how he was able to change her rage back into love overnight. Manipulation is a Common Abusive PatternWe learned this manipulation was a common abusive pattern. In just a few weeks the abuse and control would begin again. Another red flag was that he always blamed others as the cause of their problems, and she ended up isolated from her family and friends. It’s easier to control someone who feels alone. Teenage girls are at risk as long as our society gives them messages like “Johnny hits you because he likes you.” Because abusers are skilled and often charming manipulators, women fall in love, make excuses for bad behavior, and blame themselves. The goal for our foundation, Love Never Dies, based in Ozark, Missouri, is to increase public awareness for the Prevention of Domestic Violence. We plan to help fill gaps in exiting services and I have begun to work with the Christian County Domestic Violence Task Force and other area resources for victims. There is media publicity everywhere for cancer, and heart attacks, even the prevention of animal abuse. We need your support to bring the tragic secret of domestic violence into the open in order to help women in crisis. Thank you and God bless, In Loving Memory of Tiffany Marie “Love Never Dies” |
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