When you get together with other women you’ll soon hear complaints that are the definition of bullying: an office dragon who seems to dedicate her life to undermining, bullying and obstructing her coworkers. Bullying statistics show 40% of workplace bullies are female and they almost always target other women.
Bitchy Behaviors Are Types of Bullying
- Janet asks for favors a dozen times a day: everything from, “Could you drop this file off at Pam’s desk on your way out?” to “I’ll never get this report done on time, could you stay late and help me finish it?” If you say no to the smallest request, she acts insulted and accuses you of not being ‘her friend.’
- Melissa interrupts you in meetings and has even shut the door in your face. Feeling humiliated, you hope others don’t notice. Would your response be the same if her name was Mark?
Search online for ways to stop workplace bullying and you’ll find funny but not-so-helpful ideas like this:
- Put ExLax in her coffee and laugh when she runs to the toilet.
- Become an honorary member of the Slapaho Tribe.
- Be rude right back by using one-word replies.
- Ignore her except for work issues.
- Wear your iPod to drown her out.
- Just laugh.
Not that you don’t sometimes feel she would deserve it, but seriously––don’t. Spiking someone’s coffee could be considered assault, and a slap certainly would. Rudeness, retaliation and ignoring will simply escalate the bad feeling and dysfunction.
Build Up Professionalism to Stop Bullying
Sandra Ford Walston, the Courage Expert, says women are often in denial about workplace bullying. Instead of pretending it’s not happening, dig down and connect with your most professional ideals. What did you hope to accomplish at this job? Learn new skills, demonstrate competence, and advance your career? Reacting to a mean co-worker is going to sidetrack you from any of those goals. This job is just that – a job – and don’t let someone’s temporary meanness compromise your professionalism. Just because she acts, you do not have to react.
“There is a need for professionalism, which means not leaving people out, talking behind their backs, or calling them out publicly for things that aren’t directly related to work,” say Emily Blake and Andrian Alphona. That means skipping the “offhand remark about how many calories are in their sandwich or how you didn’t realize they were still making chinos with pleats. When it comes to the personal, remind yourself it is none of your business if it’s not about business.”
Better to be less popular, but more nice
This is great advice because, as they say, “it is better to be less popular, but more nice.”
- Learn to hear other women gently and respectfully. Asking what they think is not the same as asking for them to agree with, support or flatter you. Women may perceive nastiness from other women where none is intended.
- Don’t gossip about your boss or anyone else! “A recent Lifetime Women’s Pulse Poll shows that nearly 40 percent of women workers pass along unflattering gossip about their [female] boss. Despite giant steps up the corporate ladder, the female boss remains the star in water-cooler gossip as everyone’s favorite villain—even among other women.” (Maxine Rock, “Reputation Alert,” PINK, April/May, 2007, 34-35).
- Learn to hear opposing views without collapsing and without feeling personally betrayed. Truly listen and you may learn something helpful that will improve your standing and usefulness at work.
- Online forums are filled with rage and frustration at difficult co-workers. The best advice is to find ways to speak your truth clearly, firmly, politely, and without fearing you will mortally offend or drive away other women. You MUST find ways to fend off insulting behavior without resorting to a nuclear attack. “Sandra, I can see that you’re upset, but when you talk to me in that manner I feel offended. Let’s stop now and pick up another time when we can discuss this calmly.”
- Be excellent at your job and unfailingly professional
- Never lose your cool
Improve Communication at Work
Professional Certified Coach Randy Mayes, People Centric Consulting Group, sets out a process for establishing good communication in the workplace. To support a free flow of communication he suggests these steps
- Create Safety
- Suspend judgment
- Mine for more information – ask questions
- Be curious
- Be open to possibilities
- Don’t force a solution
- Don’t try to justify your actions
- Don’t try to make her wrong. You don’t need to be right.
Instead, Mayes says we should take personal responsibility. Get clear about what you want for yourself, for others, and for the relationship. If your goals for your relationship with this person are not professional, you need to realign your expectations.
Stop Bullying and Pursue Own Professional Goals
Now, for dealing with Janet and Melissa: it’s best to assume they have a good reason for their actions or attitudes that may be different from yours, rather than charging in certain they are being bitchy and mean. But you do need to keep in mind your own professional goals.
It’s time to establish firm boundaries with Janet. Say, “I’m no longer going to be able to help you as I have in the past because my own work is suffering. Of course I want to be friendly but I can’t let my own job performance suffer.” It is not necessary to explain or make excuses. Do you need a “friend” like this? If she is your only friend, you need different friends. Keeping business relationships professional is the best way to avoid no end of heartache and frustration.
Think carefully and analyze Melissa’s offensive behavior. Does she interrupt only you? Does the company culture accept interruption as standard meeting behavior? If a man interrupts do you feel similarly offended? Try holding your ground by firmly saying something like “Hold that thought, Melissa, while I finish my point.” Consider asking Melissa for a private meeting and saying politely, “when you shut the door in my face it makes me feel you don’t want to work with me. Have I done something to make you want to exclude me?”
Getting clear about your goals will make it easier to consistently live your intentions, says Mayes. Ask yourself, “How should I behave to achieve these goals?” While pursuing those goals, a true professional will develop and maintain a sense of mutual purpose and mutual respect. That needs to be your default attitude at work, always!
~Dr. Nancy
Have you encountered a book or website that helped you deal with mean behavior by other women? Please let us know in the comments below. We will check it out and post a link for other women to benefit.
Read the Whole Mean Women Series:
- Why Are Women So Mean To Other Women?
- Manage Your Expectations To Stop Bullying
- Manage Your Boundaries | Learn to Stop Bullying
- Stop Bullying and Advance Career by Building Professional Skills
- Correct Your Own Sexist Attitudes
- How to Deal with Indirect Aggression from Other Women
- Should You File a Formal Complaint About Abusive Behavior?