Correct Your Own Sexist Attitudes

Mean Women Articles

Bullying Statistics show that women overwhelmingly target other women for their bitchiness and bullying. They also hold women (including themselves) to a different standard than men. Sometimes we trap ourselves in stereotyped behaviors without realizing it. We may unknowingly treat other women in ways that infuriate them.

How would you handle types of bullying like this?

  • Your administrative assistant Alicia gathers around the coffee pot with other admins every morning. This morning they shushed their conversation, giggled and rolled their eyes when you walked in. Your admin has started making snide remarks under her breath when you tell her to do something.
  • Louisa dresses unisex-conservative and criticizes a co-worker behind her back, saying Patti’s colorful, glitzy girly clothing makes her look like a slut. You worry that her appearance reflects negatively on all the women in the company. You’ve debated whether someone should say something to Patti.
  • No matter what you suggest, Sheila finds fault and proposes an improvement. By now you grit your teeth when you see she’s at the table and hesitate to even bring up your ideas.

We’re Trained to Behave Sexist

Women have been trained to forgive men almost anything, but they may be oversensitive to other women. They hold other women accountable for the tiniest perceived difference or slight and often jump to criticize each other.

They have been taught to be indirect and women may hold grudges (men can, too). Women do better to express anger or frustration ONCE – directly to the woman with whom you are upset, without mentioning it to anyone else. Then let go of it. There is healing in speaking our messy embarrassing truths and then forgetting it. It can clear the air.

Women may be so afraid of being criticized as “an honorary man” that they recoil from speaking their truth. We may be so afraid of conflict that we avoid healthy give-and-take.

Co-workers Expect Women To Be More Caring and Nurturing

The other women at a company are not responsible for each other’s happiness and performance on the job just because they, too, are women. Marlene Chism, consultant, national speaker and author, offers several clues that indicate a lack of personal responsibility:

  • Blaming someone or something for one’s unhappiness
  • Gossiping about other people instead of going straight to them
  • Walking on eggshells to keep someone happy
  • Pouting or using the silent treatment

Gossip and calling names is especially harmful. “What might help is a commitment not to believe everything you hear,” says Phyllis Chesler, “but in fact to disbelieve it, especially if it’s something negative about another woman.” Developing the courage to stand up to a gossiper will boost one’s self esteem and standing at work, although it may make you the next target.

Non-sexist Solutions

So how might you apply these principles to dealing with Alicia, Louisa, Patti and Sheila?

Ask Alicia in private, in a diplomatic and calm tone, if you have done something to make her angry. Never assume you know what is going on; always ask for clarification. It may not be about you. On the other hand, you may have unknowingly offended her and need to apologize. Do you treat her with courtesy, appreciation and respect? If the behavior continues even after you try to make peace, ask your manager to review responsibilities and priorities with both of you.

Louisa’s criticism of Patti is especially sad. Listen carefully and you’ll hear how harshly women judge each other’s appearance. If she is violating company dress code, her manager will tell her and it’s none of your business. “Calling another woman a ‘slut,’ ‘crazy,’ ‘difficult,’ and ‘enemy,’ is a way to get her out of the way, punish her, break her spirit, because you envy her,” says Chesler, author of Woman’s Inhumanity to Woman (Nation Books) .

Just because Sheila has a uterus doesn’t mean she has to love everything you suggest. She’s demonstrating her usefulness to your employer. Would you react the same way to a man? Being a team player means releasing your idea for further improvement by the group, so don’t take it personally. Unclench your teeth, thank Sheila for her suggestions and think how you can further improve on her ideas. Pretending to agree with another woman and then voicing disagreement to co-workers is not getting along with others; it is a recipe for endless conflict.

Do You Treat Men and Women Differently?

When Phyllis Chesler conducted interviews for her book Woman’s Inhumanity to Woman, women “mainly talked about how other women had disappointed or betrayed them. Few were able to recall the ways in which they had disappointed or betrayed other women.”

Women thank men for the tiniest things but expect another woman to do everything without being asked and without thanks. Learn to say please and thank you to other women. Treat other women with courtesy, warm ceremony, and make them feel truly appreciated. Be sincere; phony shows through every time.

Watch for nonprofessional behaviors and sexist habits among both men and women in your workplace. Even more important, be alert to your own.

~Dr. Nancy

Have you encountered a book or website that helped you deal with mean behavior by other women? Please let us know in the comments below. We will check it out and post a link for other women to benefit.

Read the Whole Mean Women Series:

  1. Why Are Women So Mean To Other Women?
  2. Manage Your Expectations To Stop Bullying
  3. Manage Your Boundaries | Learn to Stop Bullying
  4. Stop Bullying and Advance Career by Building Professional Skills
  5. Correct Your Own Sexist Attitudes
  6. How to Deal with Indirect Aggression from Other Women
  7. Should You File a Formal Complaint About Abusive Behavior?

 

Have you encountered a book or website that helped you deal with mean behavior by other women?

Please let us know in the comments below. We will check it out and post a link for other women to benefit.

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