Did you ever expect that mean girl from high school would turn up as a mean woman in the workplace? If you didn’t have an effective way to deal with her then, she’ll probably be able to torment you in the workplace now. Do these fit your definition of bullying?
- Some days Sharon is nice and other days she is really rude and downright bitchy to you. Everyone else shrugs and says it’s “just the way she is,” but you are losing sleep over this.
- Teresa always tells you stories that make other coworkers look foolish or incompetent. You find out she’s telling stories like this about you — behind your back.
- You confided to Leslie (your best friend) that your married boss asked you out for a drink and asked her how you should handle it. Now you hear she’s spreading gossip in the break room that you’re having an affair with him.
Types of Bullying: Is Bitchiness a “Female” Flaw?
Some researchers say that men have ritualized ways to resolve competition and aggression. They play sports or punch each other in the schoolyard. Middle class women are more often taught to be covert in their response, so things continue to fester. Our media love to focus on the female “catfight” and frequently stereotype women as catty.
But men are awful to each other too, in different ways. Men expect to be teased, ridiculed, criticized and “one-upped” by other men, so they are not confused or dismayed by it. (This behavior is arguably more human than female. In fact, in the barnyard it’s called the pecking order. Chickens routinely peck to death their weakest member. So it’s more animal behavior than human.)
Most women are warm and supportive, so we may expect ALL women to behave that way. Your expectation may be “that women leaders will all be more nurturing than males and everything will be wonderful,” says Dr. Gary Namie, founder of the Workplace Bullying Institute, a Washington state think tank. “But women are just as capable of being tyrannical as men. If the corporate structure rewards aggression, they will be aggressive.”
What Behavior Do You Expect From Other Women?
Workplace consultant Marlene Chism says (Four Things Workplace Bully Can Teach You) to regard bad behavior as a gift because it forces you to decide how you want to be treated. “The good thing about experiencing unwanted emotions is you get to claim what is totally unacceptable. The only problem is when you continue to allow the behavior to continue.”
If you have unrealistic expectations like these about women at work you are setting yourself up for pain:
- You expect the other women to support you from Day 1.
In reality, trust takes time. Just because she possesses a uterus does not make her a candidate for being your friend or confidant, so beware the instant best friend. Take your time opening up. - You expect to like everyone in your department and to enjoy working with them.
The truth is, you do not have to like someone or be like someone in order to work effectively with her. Your co-worker doesn’t have to like you either. - You think they are trying to undermine you if someone disagrees with you.
In fact, just because she has a different opinion doesn’t mean she has abandoned you or disconnected from you. You really can still work together effectively. - You want to know everything about your coworkers’ personal lives so you can support them.
Actually, it’s often better NOT to try for intimate relationships on the job. This can make it easier to avoid personalizing your differences. It’s just work. - Work is your world and you don’t have time for a personal life.
Your career will be much healthier if you cultivate a strong support system outside the workplace. It will be easier to shrug off frustrations and disappointments at work.
Do you need to work on adjusting your expectations? Don’t fret that you will become too harsh or uncaring. You are on your way to becoming more professional and mature in your approach to work.
Strategies to Stop Bullying
- Sharon may not be aware of the inconsistency in her behavior and of its effect on you. It’s also possible other things going on in her life are distracting her. Catch her alone and say in a friendly and neutral tone, “I want to work effectively with you and I’m confused that sometimes you seem angry with me. Have I done something to offend you?” Respond to whatever she says in a friendly and professional manner, and end with a positive statement reinforcing your working relationship.
- The next time Teresa starts to gossip about a coworker, say in a friendly tone, “You know, I’ve made a new resolution not to gossip. It’s too hurtful. I’ve even heard there’s a story going around that paints me as incompetent. Can I count on you to help squash it?” You can do this in a group.
- Leslie doesn’t deserve a spot on your “best friend” list, so beware. Next, catch her alone and say, “Leslie, I hear there’s a rumor that I’m having an affair with the boss. You know it’s not true. Will you help me nip this in the bud? What do you suggest we do?”
Yes, you’ll need to toughen up just a smidge to face down your co-workers, even in these relatively non-threatening ways. Practice in front of a mirror or with a friend until you can say it without crying or screaming. Don’t worry if you feel shaky – that’s normal with a new skill and it will get easier with practice. Learning how to deal with mean women will make you a lot happier as you advance in your career.
~Dr. Nancy
Have you encountered a book or website that helped you deal with mean behavior by other women? Please let us know in the comments below. We will check it out and post a link for other women to benefit.
Read the Whole Mean Women Series:
- Why Are Women So Mean To Other Women?
- Manage Your Expectations To Stop Bullying
- Manage Your Boundaries | Learn to Stop Bullying
- Stop Bullying and Advance Career by Building Professional Skills
- Correct Your Own Sexist Attitudes
- How to Deal with Indirect Aggression from Other Women
- Should You File a Formal Complaint About Abusive Behavior?
Have you encountered a book or website that helped you deal with mean behavior by other women? Please let us know in the comments below. We will check it out and post a link for other women to benefit.