How other women in your organization perceive you builds the foundation for your relationships. If a bullying woman sees you as weak or vulnerable, she might choose you as a target. You may need to build up your position of strength. Do any of the following scenarios look familiar?
- Jackie acts like she’s sweet and caring, but then every Friday afternoon assigns a rush project that MUST be done by Monday morning.
- Emily continually ‘forgets’ to include you in meetings and emails that directly concern your job. You found out yesterday that everyone had a great time at a social event she hosted that you weren’t invited to.
- Anne Marie has always denigrated your abilities to colleagues and management. You ignored it at first but now find yourself isolated and insecure.
How To Stop Mean Women and Bullying
You have to screw up your courage and confront these behaviors in a courteous, professional and insistent manner. Easy to say, hard to do, but you CAN do it. First, you need some important stress therapy.
- Start by looking inward. Acknowledge you are human. You are AWESOME (of course) and also capable of aggression, spitefulness, cruelty, vanity, pettiness and so much more. Accepting this will enable you to be more realistic about yourself and other women.
- Pump up your stress management program to take outstandingly good care of yourself. You need to be strong for this battle so Claim Your Power.
- Love yourself. It’s normal to look to other women for support and approval, and it’s normal for them not to grant it. Instead they may gossip, hold grudges, spread rumors, slander and ostracize. Find support somewhere else so you are not so needy at work.
Now you are ready to look outward at what you are expecting from your bully. It’s irrational to expect other women to be constantly nurturing and supportive. In primate communities of great apes and chimpanzees, females will attack each other and kill each other’s babies. It’s in their DNA. Often their alliance with a male serves to protect them from other females. Our relationships are similarly complicated.
Define Boundaries to Stop Bullying
Don’t assume the victim role. If you allow bullying behavior to continue, you risk escalation of that behavior. It’s up to you to decide how you want to be treated and make it clear what you will allow. While you don’t want to become a bully yourself, don’t let her make you the doormat.
Instead, you need to stake out and defend your boundaries, says Marlene Chism, author of Stop Workplace Drama: Train Your Team to have No Complaints, No Excuses, and No Regrets
. This is assertive behavior, not aggressive behavior. For starters, avoid using a confrontational “you.” In psychology we suggest using “I-messages” that share information about ourselves without making accusations. You will find more ideas and techniques in my e-book, Claim Your Power.
I-Messages Define Boundaries
Here’s a script. Fill in the blanks for your particular situation:
- When you …(criticize me in front of others, leave me off of important emails, etc.)
- It makes me feel … (embarrassed, angry, frustrated, etc.)
- This happens … (it’s harder for me to do my job, our whole department suffers, etc.)
- I’m asking you to … (give me critiques in private, make a conscious effort to include me in emails, etc.)
If a nasty coworker accuses you of being too sensitive when you deliver your I-message, Marlene suggests you simply say, “Perhaps I am too sensitive, however I’m asking that you discontinue (the unwanted behavior.)” You admit to the human weakness of being too sensitive, then focus on what the coworker is doing, rather than on the coworker personally. And you clearly ask for a specific action.
How to Deal with Bullying
Looking back at the examples at the start of this article, how might you address them in a positive professional way? Always focus on the work, not the person.
Early in the week ask Jackie to look ahead to plan workflow. You might say, “I’ve been able to work on weekends in the past but my schedule is changing and I won’t be able to for a while. I’m committed to our company and to supporting you. How can we work together so I can do what you need during the week?” If she presses you to explain, just say in a friendly and confiding way, “I’m not ready to talk about this personal matter yet.” You are telling the truth. Your “personal matter” is to stake out your boundaries and have a life!
Women like Emily are difficult. Try a three-part message: When you “leave me off the email list, people start gossiping that you are angry with me and it hurts my feelings. Would you please check to make sure I’m included on the distribution list?” If she doesn’t change, ask a co-worker to share information with you until you can “resolve some email problems.”
If behavior like Ann Marie’s goes on too long, it can destroy your chances at the company. Talk with her privately and tell her you want to improve your usefulness to the company. Thank her for anything she has ever done for you and ask what new skills or habits she thinks you need to improve. Women who bully often feel insecure and asking her advice may defuse her resentment. Ask her if there is some way you could be more helpful to her. Meanwhile get busy documenting the smart and useful things you are doing for the company and make sure management knows about them.
Never gossip or complain about these bullies behind their backs. In all three of these situations, you are taking responsibility for advancing your career. You are drawing boundaries around your territory rather than cowering in the closet crying or complaining to your friends.
~Dr. Nancy
Have you encountered a book or website that helped you deal with mean behavior by other women? Please let us know in the comments below. We will check it out and post a link for other women to benefit.
Read the Whole Mean Women Series:
- Why Are Women So Mean To Other Women?
- Manage Your Expectations To Stop Bullying
- Manage Your Boundaries | Learn to Stop Bullying
- Stop Bullying and Advance Career by Building Professional Skills
- Correct Your Own Sexist Attitudes
- How to Deal with Indirect Aggression from Other Women
- Should You File a Formal Complaint About Abusive Behavior?
- Should You Stay or Should You Go? by Meredith Fuller