Empowering Choices for Dealing with Mean Women in the Workplace

Psychologist, Career Counselor, Author
Meredith Fuller

Women need not be on their own when undergoing assaults from mean women in the workplace, even though management overwhelmingly denies the situation exists.

Meredith Fuller, psychologist and recognized specialist in career development, has written a valuable book, now released in the US, called Working with Bitches: Identify the Eight Types of Office Mean Girls and Rise Above Workplace Nastiness.

Meredith identifies eight types of bitches in the workplace, discusses how women work and reveals strategies for working through possible situations to protect yourself and your career from harm.

The chapter excerpt below offers a systematic way to analyze both your needs and the situation in your workplace so you can deal with it in a positive way. We appreciate Meredith giving us permission to share her wisdom with WomenConnect4Good.

 Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Once you have become clear about the health and well-being costs of staying in your current work situation, the question “Should I stay or should I go?” needs careful consideration in light of those costs. Your specific stress factors will help you to determine the best course of action. Before you decide, you need to think the situation through in relation to what you know about yourself. Is the life that you are currently living worth the cost that you are paying to live it? … We aren’t really sure why some women seem to have internal protection or resilience, and others have less or lose it more quickly. What is your hunch about yourself?

Before you ditch your job because of a bitch, think the question through thoroughly; don’t make a reactive decision simply because you’ve had enough. Often it is a good idea to take some time off and have a break. If you can take a vacation, take as much time as you can and see how you feel after you have had some distance from her.

  • Do you have accumulated vacation or sick time that you can take?
  • Is disability leave a possibility? Use that time to have an extended break and consider your future. Sometimes you simply need perspective. You might come back refreshed enough to consider other options.
  • What part does money play? What are your assets and debts, spending habits and needs?
  • Could you work a four-day week or take leave without pay for a while?
  • Could you take a different job at a lower level that you might enjoy more?
  • Do you need some changes in other parts of your life?
  • Are your core needs being met at work?

When you are dealing with a bitch at work, you can feel constricted and heavy. One technique for opening up your creativity is to do some new and exciting things, outside work. They can help you have a sense of being alive, take you away from drudgery and distress, and help you to access your creative problem-solving skills. Some women set out to accomplish new goals, unrelated to work, to restore self-esteem – for example, they take up running marathons. Blocked from having wins in the workplace, they find that achieving other wins boosts self-confidence. This can help you to cope until you find a new job.

Getting a Fresh Perspective

Working with Bitches Book CoverWhich goals are most important to you? It’s easy for the important things to get lost in the daily grind. Think about each of the following possibilities and what you would ideally like to do.

Face Your Fears. Think about doing something you have never done before. Try an extreme sport, visit an exotic location, drive a sports car, or go rock climbing. When you are feeling constrained by working with a bitch, you can lose your adventurous spirit and your risk-taking or thrill-seeking propensity. … You might have been afraid that you would never get another job, and that has prevented you from setting boundaries, saying no, or even looking for a new job.

Buy Yourself Some Thinking Time. Go away alone to think … by yourself, and listen to your deepest needs and desires.

Get a Makeover; Reconnect with Yourself. If you are thinking of leaving, you might begin to update your look, which can give you confidence that you are job-interview ready and able to act on short notice. Consider it an external cleanse to counteract the toxicity of the bitch at work.

Put Things into Perspective. Catch up with friends you haven ‘t seen for some time. Listen to how their lives have been for them – you may have been so preoccupied by your work problem that you hadn’t realized how much worse things could be. You might reconnect with old friends and recognize that your work-related problem isn’t as severe as life and death issues; or decide that life is too short to stay in an unhappy workplace, and feel more ready to leave.

Give Yourself an Ultimatum. See a financial counselor and get things sorted out. If you decide to take a stand at work, you will have a clearer idea of your financial fitness, and what is required. Make an ultimatum that outlines what you will and will not tolerate, or what you require in order to stay in the role. When you have nothing to lose because you know you have viable alternatives, you may have something to win. …

Be Prepared

With a fresh perspective, you’re now ready to consider the following factors to help you to decide.

Security. For some women, job security is essential. You might not feel comfortable leaving a secure position unless you have already lined up a new position. Some women simply leave as soon as they know they need to go. Only you can answer whether your anxiety about leaving secure employment would be greater than your anxiety about remaining in the orbit of the bitch at work.

Well-Being and Health. Reflect on the results of your stress audit on pages 220-221, and consider the impact on your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. What does the information tell you?

Regardless of your decision, you probably need to put a well-being plan in place. Which aspects are problematic, and which are you managing well?

Financial Commitments. Consider your financial shape. What are your responsibilities, assets, debts, spending habits, and needs? It would be advisable to seek some financial planning assistance. Think about what really matters to you and challenge any “yes, but” responses you habitually make. … You need to know your bottom line-what is the minimum you need to earn in order to survive?

Family Support. Do you have support from your partner, family members, parents, social networks, friends, colleagues? It is important to have as much support behind you as possible. Social support is critical. Have some discussions with people who know you well … to help you decide how you may tackle this. In my experience, a number of women find that their partners or relatives urge them to do whatever they need to do to find some work happiness; these supportive people don’t care about a potential loss of income – they want the women to be well and happy and are prepared to make sacrifices to help.

Job Prospects and the Marketplace. Do some reality testing. Check out vacancies to see what is being advertised. You need to get some sense of your current marketability. Talk with specialists, professional associations, and colleagues to get some idea of that. It takes …18 months to 2 1/2 years for women to make a significant career change. It may take anything from a few months to around a year to make a job change.

Age. Is this a factor for you? This will be different for different age groups. What are the implications for any benefits or financial considerations? Employers don’t expect people to stay with one firm for a long time anymore; it is viewed as normal to change jobs, whatever your age.

Capacity for Change. Does change sound exciting or daunting? Major career crises can make you change. Change within yourself happens after significant events happen to you. Is this a fork in the road for you? Depending on how confident you feel, look for a similar role, consider a major career or lifestyle shift, or examine methods of remaining with the organization but removing yourself from the vicinity of the bitch.

Retraining. Maybe you can’t make a lateral move; if so, consider whether you are prepared to do some retraining or brushing up of current skills. Further study is always a useful activity: maintaining curiosity, forming new networks, and obtaining new knowledge and perspectives are beneficial for career development.

Your Future Prospects. Review your patterns – do you have a tendency to leave a role every three to seven years, or are you usually offered new positions? What stage of your cycle are you in? You might find that waiting a year better suits your rhythm – you could pointlessly send halfhearted letters asking if there are job openings, or energetically research and apply for job vacancies the following year. You may even launch your own business when you have carefully prepared yourself and the time is right for you. … Make sure you tell people that you are available, and ask friends if they can keep you in mind in case they hear of anything. Women sometimes find it valuable to reconnect with past managers and colleagues who may be in a position to alert them to possibilities. … Research continues to demonstrate that most people’s job moves are with people they know.

Her Future Prospects. Do a reconnaissance of the mean girl’s career path – is it likely that she may decide to leave? Could you wait her out?

 

Adapted from Working with Bitches: Identify the Eight Types of Office Mean Girls and Rise Above Workplace Nastiness by Meredith Fuller. Reprinted courtesy of Da Capo Lifelong Books.

For more information about toxic relationships in the workplace, read the book and check out Meredith’s blog at https://meredithfuller.com.au/blog/

 

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