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Passive Men and Wild, Wild Women

Men aren’t born passive.
Women aren’t born wild.
We just have that effect on each other … too often.

  1. When and why does a conversation become one-sided, or dissolve into conflict?
  2. How can you turn it around and stay sane?

Man’s Attitude

  • At work…
    the man is often active, articulate, assertive, and usually successful in his conversations, especially with other men.
  • At home…
    he can become inactive, inarticulate, and withdrawn. He becomes passive with his wife – especially in certain situation.

Woman’s Attitude

  • When the woman works outside the home, she tends to communicate in a more active way at home – and instinctively wants the same style from her mate.

His apparent passivity drives her crazy.

In the face of his further retreat, she goes wild. * Then he becomes more still, and escapes at the first opportunity.

How the Man Sees Her Attitude

  • In personal relationships, women often want too much talk, as men sees it.
    —She feels resentful, complains, keeps asking questions, talks more, may even act bitter.
  • He feels he can’t meet her needs and ends up feeling guilty and sulks.
  • They both end up blaming each other.
  • He thinks: If only she’d shut up.
  • She thinks: If only he’d talk to me.

How to Engage Men in Positive, Lively Conversation

Suggestion #1 –  “Stop Talking Sooner”

Communication between men and womenOr, less politely, “shut up sooner.” As a child my mother washed my mouth out with soap for saying “shut up” yet that’s sound advice for women in trying to connect with men. Women are usually immediately aware of our feelings, able to express them, usually comfortable in explaining, and asking, and elaborating… in considerable detail.

Our verbal agility can inadvertently create a wall, as women, if it gets us out of sync with men. At times, in personal, social and work situations, men and women will get closer if the speed of the conversation and the amount of words slows down.

When women feel that men are not listening, we tend to “rise” to the occasion by raising our voice and verbiage. That is we tend to say more, faster, more intensely and at a higher volume. It is as if we are thinking, “What I said and how I said it did not work so I will do more of what did not work, and expect a different outcome.”

Our pace in conversation is faster and more multi-dimensional. We rush past and around most men.

We need to allow a man to respond, a point at a time, at his pace, without interrupting or finishing his sentences.

If the strongest complaint women have about men is that they do not listen, then we must work hardest on leaving the time for them to  speak.*

Suggestion #2 – “Sidle”

While women prefer to talk, face-to-face, men pefer to sidle, standing side by side. Research shows that both women and men like each other more and get along better when standing or sitting side- by side.

Suggestion #3 – “Get Moving”

Any woman who wants better relations with a man should “walk it out:” talk while walking to the meeting, around the block, etc.

Further, when men and women are walking or eating together their body motions become more similar so they get more in sync. Even vital signs (heartbeat, skin temperature, eye pupil dilation) become more similar) so we are more likely to feel a natural, easy kinship. In motion we tend to experience the best, rather than the worst side in the opposite sex. That’s good news. Yes?

Suggestion #4 – “‘See’ the Situation Their Way”

Women crave longer and more continuous eye contact than men. To help men feel more comfortable let go of that unremitting eye gaze. Glance away sometimes as a man is inclined to do while thinking. His glance away does not necessarily mean avoidance so don’t act as if it does by a your harsh tone, words or glance. He may be trying to gather his thoughts.

More Peace-Keeping Suggestions for Women and Men

Do’s

  • It is harder to argue when you are holding hands.
  • Know that showing appreciation and attention, especially when you least want to show them and the other person most needs them, will always bring you closer than asking for them.
  • First look to the other person’s positive intent as you hear what is said.
  • Saying less often gets you more of what you want from him.
  • Looking directly and warmly at her, rather than away, often brings out the part of her you most enjoy.
  • Making and keeping an agreement usually helps the other person feel more safe, respected and cared for in the relationship.
  • First try to act in a different and positive way before you verbally ask for a change in someone else.
  • First answer the other person’s question. Answer it directly, without preface, qualifiers, countering, second guessing, answering questions she or he did not ask or raising other points first.
  • Find out whether the other person feels you’ve answered her or his question or otherwise responded adequately before you move onto your question or another point or topic.
  • Rather than describing what you don’t like, ask for a specific change.
  • Be willing to make a change before asking for one.
  • Know that the more changes you ask for the more resistance you’ll face, and the more likely it will be for you both go to your heads to think, rather than to your hearts to feel.
  • Use factual language and few words to describe what you want changed.
  • Use emotion-laden language, and more words, to describe what you like in the other person.
  • Women: Say and move less, especially when you want to do the opposite
  • Men: Give her more eye contact. If you don’t feel comfortable answering her right away, tell her so directly. Then tell her when you will get back to her with a response.
  • In the middle of your hottest moments of discussion, remember what you most like in the other person and take the time to express it.

Don’ts

  • Don’t interrupt, especially when you most want to.
  • Do not answer a question with a question, including questioning that person’s question of you.
  • Showing resentment and resistance will most likely escalate the hardening of sides between you.
  • Don’t ask for more than one change at a time, unless you want them all ignored.

More Thoughts on the Still Man and the Active Woman:

Joseph Heller wrote a vivid passage about what this feels like for a man in his novel, “Something Happened”: “I try my best to remember on what terms (my wife) and I parted this morning, or went to sleep last night, in order to know if she is still angry with me for something I did or did not say or do that I am no longer aware of.  Is she mad or is she glad? I can’t remember. And I am unable to tell. So I remain on guard … “

Consequently his routine around her begins by being on guard, walking on eggshells, and hers is to speak out more, sooner, longer and wait for him to “get it”, to respond. When he doesn’t, she escalates her attack, gets more specific and detailed, motivated to get him to finally respond. He gets overwhelmed and tunes out sooner, longer and more frequently.

You see something gradually changed. The tenderness left. And tenderness is the lubricant in male/female love relationships. Early in a relationship men and women are innocent until proven guilty. We literally don’t see what we do not want to see and focus on what we adore. Later, after repetitive “passive men and wild, wild women” episodes of friction, each person is guilty until proven innocent, from the beginning. Because that is what we grow to expect of each other and act out to prove each other right.

The rules now? Whatever he does now is never enough. Right or wrong, he is always wrong. And so is she.

Source

Kare Anderson is an Emmy-winning former NBC and Wall Street Journal reporter and author (http://www.sayitbetter.com) Her clients include Nomura Securities, Google, U.S. Secret Service and Venrock.

Are You Ready for Marriage?

Are You Really Ready for Marriage?

by Candace Bahr and Ginita Wall, CPA, CFP

Marriage is an enormous commitment. Before you take the big plunge, do a quick check to see if there is water in the pool. The following quiz can help you and your beloved assess your readiness for the responsibility of marriage and help you communicate about important issues from the beginning.

Print out two copies of this quiz and give one to your partner. Rate each item on a scale from 0 to 10 for yourself and then for your partner. For example, your score on question 7 might be a 10 — you have perfect credit and no financial baggage. You might rate your partner a 5 — he has fairly large debts or a history of financial problems. Or perhaps you think he’s a 0 — he just declared bankruptcy and has no idea where his next dollar is going to come from.

If your partner has some issues in one of these areas, allow him the time and space to resolve them before they become your problems. Remember the old saying, measure twice and cut once; it’s better to take a bit longer to be certain than to jump in and have to deal with the results later.

Also look for areas in which there is a difference between your perceptions of each other. If you think you’re a 10 and he thinks you’re a 2 in one area, it might be time for a pow-wow on that issue. Is he simply a perfectionist with high standards for everything? Or are you in denial of an important financial issue? Discussing these differences now, at the beginning, can save lots of misunderstandings later.


Rate each of you from 0 – 10 (10 being the best and 0 being the worst.)
Me
My Partner

1. I know what I want.

I have a clear vision for our lives together. I have a clear picture of our goals that keeps me motivated to move forward.

2. I am happy and successful.

I enjoy my life, my work, my family, my friends, and my own company. I am living the life that I want, and I am getting married out of a desire for companionship, not desperation and need.

3. I have effective communication skills.

I understand relationships, can maintain closeness and intimacy, negotiate differences positively, allow myself to trust and be vulnerable, and can give and receive love without emotional barriers.

4. I am ready for commitment.

I have no emotional or legal baggage from a previous relationship. My schedule, commitments, and lifestyle allow me to build a new future.

5. I am satisfied with my career.

My work is fulfilling, supports my lifestyle, and is not too stressful. I enjoy my work, and maintain a comfortable balance between work and play.

6. I am healthy in mind, body, spirit, and pocketbook.

My physical, mental, emotional, or financial health does not interfere with having the life and relationship that I want. I am reasonably happy and feel good most of the time.

7. My financial and legal issues are under control.

I have no financial or legal issues that would interfere with my marriage. I am not expecting my partner to rescue me from my problems.

8. I understand my own money issues.

I understand my own money issues and I am working on them. I am striving to achieve balance in my financial life.

9. I am happy with the state of my financial affairs.

I am comfortable with my financial habits and have achieved a balance between spending and saving. I know where I am going financially and I am on track to get there.

10. My partner and I have discussed our financial issues.

My partner and I have discussed our financial styles, money issues from our childhoods, and our financial goals. We have formed an understanding of what our financial lives will be like.

Source

  • Ginita Wall and Candace Bahr, co-authors of the book: “It`s More Than Money–It`s Your Life! The New Money Club for Women” from which they have excerpted this article.
  • Reprinted with permission of the Women`s Institute for Financial Education http://www.wife.org and http://www.moneyclubs.com Founded in 1988, WIFE is a non-profit organization dedicated to providing financial education for women. Copyright 2007


Published Article: Women's Perceptions of Aging

Published article abstract

Women’s Perceptions of Aging: Fears, Preferences and Concerns

O’Reilly, Nancy D., Thomlinson, Paul R., and Castrey, Margaret U

Presented July 28, 2004
American Psychological Association 2004 Annual Meeting
Honolulu, Hawaii

ABSTRACT

Given the paucity of existing research, the current study sought to map the terrain of women’s fears, preferences and concerns about aging. Nearly half of the sample surveyed, 1000 healthy primarily white women, said they feared getting older.

This fear was significantly associated with increased health concerns and abdominal problems; greater concern for appearance, and lack of confidence in future self-care ability. On average, participants indicated that they began to fear aging during their own previous decade of life.

Women in the 20–29 and 30–39 age cohorts had the highest rate of fear of aging, after which fear of getting older tended to decrease with subject age. Women aged 40–49 and 60–69 were most confident in their self-care ability.

Concerns about health problems and not having enough money were reported nearly three times as often as other concerns; and the patterns of concerns differed significantly by age and marital status. Implications for women’s health care, mental health, and self-care are discussed.

Beat Aging Anxiety

Do you worry about growing older? About half of women do. At the grocery checkout they see magazine covers of beautiful, young, glowing women. The images present an impossible, airbrushed ideal that can raise fears about wrinkles, weight, and losing in the desirability derby if her man compares her to these beauties.

And appearance is just the start! In fact, most women worry far more about money than about their looks. The struggle to fund single motherhood or a secure retirement worries many women.

Another huge anxiety issue for women is their health. Many saw their mothers and female relatives sicken and slide complaining into an unhappy twilight.

No wonder the women we talked to struggle to grow older gracefully.

What can you do?

First of all, stop the squirrel that is your mind from running round and round in the cage of anxious thoughts. Challenge your thinking and choose to focus on the things you can do something about.

Every woman’s body will change as the years pass.

Do the best you can with a healthy diet, hydration, good skin care, spiritual practice and physical activities you enjoy. After that, work on self-acceptance.

Face up to financial anxiety.

Take a hard look at your spending habits to find places you can save and begin to faithfully put that money into savings. If you truly have no pennies to spare, you might to increase your income, perhaps by improving your job performance, or even by acquiring more skills so you can get a better job.

Harness your health anxiety to develop good habits.

Monitor and screen regularly for health problems. But remember, experts say the majority of health problems plaguing Americans today are caused by poor lifestyle choices.

Get happy and feel great.

Start by identifying the single most important action you can take to fight your biggest worry, then get with your girlfriends to develop your strategies.

It’s your wonderful life and you deserve to enjoy it!

Are you afraid of getting older? You’re not alone!

Fully 45% of women admit to being afraid of aging, according to recent research. Societal pressures, watching our children grow, seeing our parents age, feeling our bodies change, all remind us — every day — of the passage of time.
Fear of aging is most common in women aged 20-39, yet even those in their 70s are not immune. It’s more common in women who are single or separated, but still affects more than 40% of married women. It’s important to face this fear, because it could undermine overall health and well-being.
When Licensed Psychologist Nancy O’Reilly turned 50, she found no books or resources to relieve her anxiety. So, she conducted her own research on women’s feelings and belief, gathering information from more than 1,000 women.
“Just knowing I’m not alone helps a lot,” Dr. O’Reilly says. “Too many of us feel that getting older is a character flaw to conceal instead of an accomplishment to celebrate.” Dr. O’Reilly published her research in the American Journal of Health Behavior and at the American Psychological Association Annual Meeting, 2004. The results of Dr. O’Reilly’s study feature words of fear and encouragement from real women.

Many more women fear getting older than are afraid of dying.

Our society has provided few positive role models to help ordinary women feel confident of their own value and future as they age. (Tips: Find role models. Seek older mentors. Reach out. Form a Red Hat Society. Meditate,  pray. )

Who’s afraid of getting older?

  • More than 45% of all women aged 20-78
  • Nearly 70% of separated women
  • Nearly 60% of women aged 20-29
  • Nearly 50% of women aged 50-59
  • Only 4% of all women are afraid of dying

Women keep their aging fears deeply buried.

They hide their fears even from closest family and friends. When Julia hit menopause early, she had no idea what was happening to her or how to cope. “It was not a happy, rose-filled adventure,” Julia recalls. “It was a rocky horror show in hell.” (Tips: Talk to relatives and friends. Tell daughters good things about getting older. Celebrate your greater wisdom and confidence.)

Surprise! Women’s greatest aging fear is not losing the look of youth.

Appearance ranks low on their priorities. Women have many products and services to help them look their best at any age. (Tips: Take care of your skin. Learn to use makeup. Find fashions that flatter. Use dermabrasion or plastic surgery if you wish.)

Concern about finances tops the list for women under 30.

Women usually earn less than men, and only partly because they take time off to raise families. Women need to get comfortable meeting their own needs. (Tips: Dream big. Envision the career and income you want. Focus on change. Learn a new skill. Volunteer. Pay yourself first.)

Health rises to first place by age 30 and stays there.

Women from 30 to over 70 say they are most concerned about health problems. (Tips: Exercise. Eat a healthy diet. Have regular screenings and checkups. Pay attention to your body. Love. Laugh.)

Denial is queen.

Most women could not identify any specific health concerns. They tend to put others’ needs first: “This can’t be a heart attack — I’ve got to make dinner!” (Tips: Learn your family history and talk with a doctor about your risks. Learn the warning signs for your risks. Take one small step toward prevention each day.)

Women often equate being thin with staying young.

Women who worry about getting older are more likely to diet than to exercise, even though exercise would help more. (Tips: Stop obsessing about your weight. Exercise with a friend. Buy clothes that fit you NOW, not when you lose 10 pounds. Change negative self-talk.)
This information drawn from

  • Dr. Nancy’s book: Timeless Women Speak: Feeling Youthful At Any Age

Are You Growing Up or Just Getting Older?

Emotional Maturity – Are You Growing Up or Just Getting Older?

Are you growing a little wiser each year as you grow older? If you are, you are not only getting older, you are also “growing up” and becoming more emotionally mature. With maturity comes the ability to better handle life’s challenges, enjoy life, and maintain rewarding relationships.

What are the characteristics of emotional maturity?

William C. Menninger, MD, psychiatrist and co-founder of the world-renown mental health center The Menninger Clinic in Houston, Texas, suggested that a person who is emotionally mature has:

  • The ability to face reality and deal with it constructively
  • The capacity to adapt to change
  • A relative freedom from symptoms that are produced by tensions and anxieties
  • The capacity to find more satisfaction in giving than receiving
  • The capacity to relate to other people in a consistent manner with mutual satisfaction and helpfulness
  • The capacity to direct instinctive hostile energy into creative and constructive outlets
  • The capacity to love
National Wellness Institute

Amazing Women Find Their Zip and Zest for Life

Women lose hormones as the years pass. As early as age 30 women’s hormone levels begin to drop as does their zip and energy. Find ways to find your passion and enthusiasm again.

Find More Joy this Summer

I hope you are enjoying summer fun and spending quality time with family and friends. I love to do things that make me feel like a kid again. When school lets out for the summer, it feels like time for me to begin summer vacation as well. Do you feel that way? I remember going to the pool, eating frozen candy bars, hanging out with my girlfriends and dreaming about what I wanted to do when I grew up.

Even though I don’t sun bathe anymore, I still eat the occasional (non-frozen) candy bar, hang with my women friends and still dream almost every day about my future. Some things never change. I know that finding my balance and peace and joy are still tops on my to-do list.

How is your joy level measuring up these days? Are you happy with your life and all it has to offer? I want to tell you if you are not feeling joyful, do something about it right now. When you woke up this morning did you begin your day with thanks and appreciation for what you have and who you are? I just became a grandparent again for the 6th and 7th time, and all seven are granddaughters. What a blessing. They are identical twins but each is uniquely special with her own personality and temperament, and each already knows what makes her feel safe and secure. Remind yourself how special you are—and how unique—and that there is no one like you in the whole wide world.

What gives you joy? Is it a place, a person, an experience or something that you can smell, taste, and touch? If you have forgotten some of these things bring them to mind…..a walk on the beach, your friend’s great sense of humor, or the taste of those great chocolate chip cookies hot out of the oven. Remember and close your eyes and now all those experiences are yours and no one can take them away.

One of the guest authors I interviewed recently told me she makes sure that each person she works with has a plan to be empowered and full of promise. She helps women know they have the ability to create the world they want and deserve. “Deserve” is an important word that women need to understand. It means you have a right to have a life full of joy, happiness, and to feel safe and secure. Our goal for you is that you will find your joy. You deserve joy in your life. I hope these articles help you to find more joy, more tools to be at your best, to feel revived and excited about what is around the corner. We are here for you and our promise is to keep giving information that will help you live well, laugh often and love more.

~ Dr Nancy

Change the World

As a 13-year-old black belt martial artist, Dallas Jessup made a movie to help prevent young girls from being abducted and sexually assaulted.

Just Yell FireDownloaded over 1 Million times in 2 years.  Click here to watch JUST YELL FIRE! Help change the world and share this link.

I Have a Gun and I am Out of Estrogen….Are You Safe?

I recently purchased a handgun for personal protection.  I have handled guns and have shot both shotguns and hand guns but never owned by own gun.  It is a strange feeling to walk into gun store pick out the gun of my choice and within seconds be cleared and able to purchase and walk out of that store with a high powered handgun.  I guess I am still wondering about it all.  I know I am not going to go out and rob a bank or shoot my neighbor or get mad at my hubby and blow him away.  I am not about to “make my day” as Clint Eastwood warned the bad guy when he played his famous character, Dirty Harry.  I have a gun and yes I have been out of estrogen for many years.  I will respect my gun and use it only if someone I love is threatened or I am personally in harms way.  I will use it if I have to and that is why I bought it.  I have learned since telling others about my recent purchase I am not alone. The number one purchaser of handgunsare women and they are packing.  Many of them are buying guns and going out and getting a “cancealed weapons license”.  This means they are able with this license to carry this weapon in their purse, brief case, backpack or carry with a shoulder harness on their bodies.

I must admit this is what I also am in the process of doing. I am planning on taking an all-day class which if I pass the exam will allow me to carry my weapon on my person.  Wow, I have even looked at shoulder harnesses and clips that would attach to my belt.  Women are taking their second amendment right to carry a firearm.  I guess sooner of later many of us decide that is time to take the initiative to protect ourselves and those they love.  I have fired it several times and each time I fire it I know this is serious business.  I want to be comfortable and proficient with this gun.  I have decided to also name her. Yes, she is a female.  I have friend and her gun’s name is Molly.  I think my gun should have a very strong, exotic name like Sonja , Silvia or Brandy.  I will decide soon.

Have you thought about getting a gun to protect yourself?  I will keep you posted on my progress and whether or not I get my concealed weapons  license.  I will be honest I have not done well with my target shooting so I need to practice a lot.  I promise I will not forget the danger and safety needed when you have a gun in your home. It has a safety and when my kids or grand kids are around it will get locked up.  It came with a very nice gun lock with a key and everything.  I hope this story as “made your day” and you know you must learn to protect yourself and never find yourself a victim of a violent crime ever. Overall I think there are really good people in this world but there are also some really nasty characthers.  Have a safe and great life.

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